Indiana Jones, take a back seat! Look what we have here! No, not a crystal skull or the lost city of Atlantis (again), but this!
Giorgio Tsoukalos argued in his latest issue of the estimable, peer-reviewed academic journal Legendary Times that this is certainly evidence that David was working with ancient aliens to build the Temple. He stated, “What other conclusion can we draw from this? It is sooooo (sic!) obvious t hat these are ancient alien glyphs of some sort, which only means that the Exodus account wasn’t really about the Egyptians at all! The Hebrews were escaping enslavement in the mines under Jerusalem from the aliens! This must mean they were using the Israelites to mine ore for their ships! Only a blind idiot could miss this connection!”
David Elkington and Wayne Herschel were both able to be reached for comment. Herschel merely stated that this was just more evidence that the lead codices were secret alien passports. Elkington reiterated that Peter Thonemann was only a Greek scholar and didn’t know what he was talking about, which apparently baffled journalists who had only asked him his thoughts on the new discovery.
The greatest Biblical scholar of the world, Hershel Shanks, noted that he would be publishing a special issue of BAR (also the greatest academic archaeology journal of all time, beating out its main competition from ASOR) to show how this was (a) not a forgery, (b) Golan is innocent, (c) that Bill Dever was right all along, and (d) to dedicate even more space to evangelical advertising campaigns.